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I've been having a lot of fun with my art recently, specifically my digital art, unfortunately I've lost my interest in painting! Which, completely fucking surprised me because like what??? I've been obsessed with painting since forever, a friend said it may just be burnout, I hope it is.

I'll most definetely be experimenting more now with making gif collages of my art! It's so fun!!.

Kinda wish my mom would go back to showing interest in whatever I had going on. Idk it feels as if she's waaaay more interested in my brother than she is with me. Whenever I talk she just gives me an "mhm" and then tells me to do whatever chore she wants me to do

Idk mannnn, my relationship with my mom is so fucking complicated some days I'm willing to just repress everything thats lesbian about me and marrying a man just so I can make her happy, other days I want to ruin my relationship with her and stop talking to her altogether

She's not a horrible mother by any means, she's wonderful!! She's got her flaws but she's a great mother. I just idk!!! el oh el.

It's actually fucking ridiculous. I have everything I could ever want and yet I'm still unhappy. I'm succumbing to a wonderful thing called self harm, not self harm in a cut my wrists type of way I've already done that plenty of times its getting old + the scars are annoying to hide, more of in an I haven't bathed nor washed my face for 6 days at this point, all I do all day is doomscroll through instagram reels or youtube shorts whilst I waste away in bed. I don't have much of a motivation to do art but I try to force myself anyways. I'm just such a piece of shit human being its not even funny anymore LMFAOOOO I so badly want to ruin every relationship I have, I want to further isolate myself just to see how it'll all end. Will I hang myself? Will I run away and jump off a bridge? Who knows!!!!! I can't tell what's genuinely me anymore I feel as if I'm performing 24/7 im so heavily insecure its ridiculous. I sometimes ask myself if I'm actually interested in my interests or I do it just to have a certain image. what fucking image I dont know I'm so tired I want to die I want to hang myself I want to dioe so badly Im so tired and the worst part about this all is that I have a relativly good life. I go to private school, I live in a subdivision, I have my own room, I'm free to be myself to an extent and yet I'm so ungrateful to it all I'm still sulking in bed scrolling away either that or daydreaming about being a completely different person.

Someone who's just not me, someone who's so irrevocably different to me I need everything about me to be purged. I hate myself so much I'm so fucking stupid, I'm not talented at all,I'm shit at everything and the most I can do is create subpar art. All I really do in life is just perform constantly and perform even more about performing to the point where I feel as if I'm lying to myself about performing in the first place. Is this the real me? I don't know I don't know if I have a sense of self. Genuinely tho I'm so pathetic, multiple times I've been scrolling through youtube laughing then I remembered that I am the way that I am and I start crying LMAOOOOOOO

Maybe I should start a silly little vlog channel!!! That'd kinda be fun wouldn't it? It'll have content like uh guh uh like like idk me painting, maybe unboxing vids??? Who knows but it sounds very fun ta me. Also, an update to the last post I forced myself to get my shit together LMFAOOO I'd still rather die but I haved bathed and cleaned and decorated my room hashtag healthy queen hashtag healthy mindset hashtag positive attitude. This might be because I woke up crying today that was kind of my q to just suck it up yk?!!?!?!

and also my mother is eerily perceptive I dzon't need to explain to her why I'm in my sad era again

Hi I forgot this thing existed. My bday is near, I don't know how to feel about it. I kind of hate it in a way? Every year I just get reminded that I'm getting older and that there's no going back anymore. It's supposed to be my 18th bday which is a big deal from where I'm from but it doesn't really feel that way?

I'm aware I'm being selfish and ungrateful but let me rant no one will know anyways. Idk I guess I'm still chasing the feeling of bdays I had back then as a kid. no amount of material gifts would ever amount to the feeling of waking up at too early in the morning and staying overnight in a resort in a place that's 5 hrs away from the city surrounded by relatives and given cake they bought at goldilocks or something.

I know I'm being immature about this I know that I'm very very blessed but damn I can't help but wish for things to be different. I guess it all just boils down to me just being constantly unhappy. I'm being dramatic on things I don't even know will happen. I hope I am.

I really wish my brain could just shut the fuck up I wish it could idk how many times I've had to repeat myself to shut the fuck up but I'm tired of it I'm really tired of it. I don't know how it got this bad. I just want peace and quiet it's so stupid it really is stupid